(4/2008) - We often hear about how things “used to be,” how children “used to act.” Grandmothers talk about a lack of manners; college professors lament poor skills; and, as parents, many of us remember having the fear factor with our own parents, which doesn’t seem to exist any more. Are these assertions about the past really helpful? Do they move us forward in our lives and in our parenting?

Think about our parents and try to imagine the challenges they faced in raising us. Now, think about our challenges as parents. Who has had the tougher job? Most people would say that our job as parents is more difficult than that of our own parents. Teachers seem to feel the same way. A few years ago, there was a survey that contrasted teachers of the 1940s with those of the 1990s. When asked to name the biggest problems they faced in schools, the list assembled by the teachers from the 1940s seemed quaint: tardiness, gum-chewing and late homework. The list by the teachers of the 1990s was downright frightening: drugs, pregnancy, guns and violence.

American families and schools have been glued together in a spiral of decline for at least four decades. What began with symptoms like lower test scores and rising divorce rates soon evolved into a troubling collage of divorce, absenteeism, alienation, drugs, and violence. In recent years, this decline has even descended into sheer terror, with gun-toting teenagers in once innocent towns unleashing their anger and self-loathing onto their communities and the rest of the watching world.

Today’s youth are simply responding to a culture they inherited from adults, a culture to which we still desperately cling, seemingly oblivious to the irony of its debilitating side effects. The bottom line is simple: We have created a system in which our students do not believe that their best efforts will be respected. Though parents continue to say, “Just try your best,” our children’s grades often reflect an end product and not the work that went into it. Given that our teenagers cannot be held responsible for a culture they have inherited, we must help lead the creation of a new culture in which to raise children and prepare them for life.

Before we tackle such a mandate, it is helpful to be aware of some cultural shifts that affect the current atmosphere:

The Cult of Self-Esteem

Without an effective culture, many parents and schools have become locked in the debilitating grip one might call, the “cult of self esteem,” a prevalent mindset that suggests kids need to feel good about themselves all of the time. The premise of this mindset asserts, “If we make kids feel good about themselves, they will do great things.” It’s time to peer through the other end of the telescope: “If kids do good things, they will feel good about themselves.”

Kids were not meant to feel good all of the time. The journey to gain self-esteem requires that they endure difficulties and overcome obstacles along the way. They will likely have moments when they feel an absence of self-esteem along the way. Self-esteem cannot be given, but it can be earned and once earned, can never be taken away even when shaken to the core. Nothing can replace the development of authentic self-esteem that comes through effort, sacrifice, and even hardship endured to reach a worthy goal.

Fixing our Family of Origin

Which has been the bigger impulse - the impulse to parent the way you were parented or the impulse to parent differently than you were parented? I have asked this question to thousands of parents across the country and the scales tip toward the second question. Most parents are motivated by an impulse to parent differently than they were parented. Some are surprised to discover that they lack a coherent vision of how they should parent because they have been consumed by how they should not parent. Some of these arrangements can have a positive outcome for families. Often, parents believe that doing the opposite of what didn’t work when they were being parented will ensure success in their own parenting. Unfortunately, it is never this easy.

Rather than measure our actions against our memories of our parents, we need to create a vision for our family and our own parenting. Often, this must start with taking hold of the strengths our parents instilled in us and letting go of what they were unable to give us.

As for changing the culture which at times seems so overwhelming, let’s remember that in our lifetime, we have witnessed significant shifts in cultural attitudes. Views towards the environment, equality, and even smoking have changed dramatically. It can be done, but it begins with a commitment to put the long-term interests of preparing young people for life ahead of “go along to get along.” In Mitch Album’s best seller, "Tuesdays with Morrie," Morrie talks about the need to resist the cultural pull, “The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And, you have to be strong enough to say of the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it.”

Going back to the good old days is not an option and, even if it were, we would be reminded that there were plenty of problems back in the good old days. Yet, just accepting that we can do nothing lacks courage and lets our most valued resource, our children, down. They need us to let go of parenting in reaction to our own parents and take hold of a genuine belief in and commitment to their highest potential. Owning that commitment means we understand that authentic self-esteem must be earned, and it is earned by allowing our children to face life’s obstacles without interfering, rescuing, or trying to fix them. Our children will take hold of their part if we lead the way. And, if we commit to changing the culture to reflect our common principles, we may just find the best of our own upbringings.