(1/2007) - It was the summer after my ninth grade year, and mom, dad, my brother, and I loaded up the turquoise Plymouth for our vacation. We were driving to California, taking the southern route, through the deserts of Arizona and Nevada. Air conditioning? Not in our car. The plan was that we would wet down mom’s tea towels and put them on our heads as we headed into desert areas. Sure enough, the wind from the car window blew through the towel and kept us cool until the towel dried out, which it did, quickly. Then, the plan was to endure the heat until the next gas station, where we could re-dampen the towels. We had tap water in our gallon Thermos, of course, but that was only for drinking. Needless to say, at fourteen, I was impatient and frustrated with the whole arrangement, particularly the result of a wet towel on my hair.

I didn’t handle frustration well back then, and neither do most teens today. In fact, girls have every reason to have developed a much shorter “patience fuse” growing up in a culture that is all about immediate gratification. As a society, we want everything instantly, from messages and movies to weather and weight loss. Girls have gotten used to a rapid-results life style. Furthermore, as parents we have stumbled over ourselves, rushing to accommodate our children’s requests. The “we’ll see” or “we’ll talk about it later” that were standard responses from my parents are, I suspect, uttered far less often now.

Overlay this mouse-click time frame on a stage of development that is historically known as an impatient age, and our work is cut out for us. We want girls to adopt a thoughtful approach to decision making and managing their lives. It’s well documented now, however, that there are biological as well as cultural causes for teens’ irritation with process and adult intervention when it comes in the form of imposed safe guards and restrictions. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that governs such functions as reasoning, anticipating consequences, and planning ahead, develops much later than we once thought, not until the mid twenties for young women. Until that development takes place, it’s difficult for many teens to understand and accept our more measured slant on the world.

David Walsh, author of Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, was quoted recently in an ABC news release. “If we were to compare the teenage brain to an automobile,” he said, “it’s as if the gas pedal is to the floor, and there are no brakes.” Dr. Grazyna Kochanska, a professor at the University of Iowa, also quoted in the article, believes, however, that the environment we provide for growing children can make a difference. She has just completed a longitudinal study on how self-control can be encouraged in young people and says that when they can develop in a setting that is “supportive,…well-organized, [and] predictable,” they will learn to delay gratification and become more patient.

“Supportive, well-organized, and predictable.” That describes the environment in this school. I often talk about girls needing secure boundaries and teachers who are sure of themselves and unflappable when it comes to adolescent drama. An enlightened firmness lets girls feel safe while they are figuring out who they are.

But we go a step further. Knowing that girls will be able to tolerate frustration better when they feel in control of their lives, we engage with them in ways that require them to search for deeper meaning, not only in the academic curriculum but also in the course of study that is about building greater confidence and self-reliance. Whether in the classroom or in conversations about the myriad issues that are on girls’ minds, we question more than we answer. By asking a girl to clarify, elaborate, describe alternatives, examine assumptions, predict outcomes, evaluate options, identify resources, and create a plan for moving forward, we are giving her the tools required to understand a complex world and confirming our belief in her ability to think for herself. In other words, we are making it possible for her to form a sturdy internal identity to take with her when she leaves the security of the School.

The emphasis is on the girl doing the work in a confident and centered school. Remember the connect-the-dot books we had as kids? When we drew lines between numbers in the right order, we saw the picture. This is what teens must do. As parents and teachers, we will provide the matrix for growth, but our job is not to rush to the rescue when girls are trying to connect the dots. Thus when girls call home or walk through the door in total frustration, the wise parent will be ready to engage, not with the answer but with the query. Working from questions written out in advance if necessary, moms and dads can help girls not only to solidify their inner lives but to increase their self control, cope with disappointment, and be patient through ambiguity. These are the essential factors in a girl’s believing that she will prevail and have a life of great purpose.