(4/2004) - One of the most important things we can do as parents to ensure the success of our teens is to support their social relationships. The recent book Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam, chronicles the decline of social relationships in the last decades. As a society, we are increasingly disconnected from each other, and this, according to Putnam, is cause for serious concern. Research suggests that loneliness is as great a risk to our health as smoking cigarettes. Adolescents without strong social connections suffer the most.

As parents, we want our teenagers to have friends, but we worry about the friends they may have. Some sociologists believe that teenagers' friendships have more influence on their values, ambitions, and behavior than parents or teachers do. This is something that goes well beyond peer pressure. Friendship, or the lack of it, is a force that can shape who a young person becomes.

Individuals with diverse friendships who interact with others in a wide range of situations develop what Putnam calls social capital. The benefits of social capital are far-reaching and multidimensional; social capital is, by most accounts, the single biggest factor in personal happiness. In these terms, then, perhaps the luckiest people in America are girls in girls' boarding schools.

Girls' boarding schools are distinguished by friendships undertaken in a context of broad and deep support and guidance. These friendships grow in a community of high and secure values, where honesty and integrity are daily topics and where the presence of enlightened adults is constant. Indeed, in this context adults are not seen as a threat. Instead, they are genuine friends themselves, and their presence in the mix, as carriers of the school's goals and purposes, influences the quality and direction of friendships and keeps them on track. As a result, teachers, parents, and students trust the social relationships that evolve in these teenage years.

In a girls' boarding school, there is time for girls to know each other well, time for interaction across a broad range of activities that, in a small community, lead girls to civility and inclusion. Students get to know each other beyond race, class, nationality, or religion. They share stories and perspectives with affection and respect. Their understanding of what friendship really is grows complex, sophisticated, deep.

Feeling connected gives girls confidence and helps girls discover their individuality. Knowing she has the support of friends, a girl might take up kayaking, study a new language, or audition for a play. The intimacy of the school community makes it possible to discover new skills and abilities without fear. By taking risks among friends, a girl can discover her leadership skills. She will learn what it means to lose as well as win. She will develop resilience.

Friends help a girl develop her intellect. Girls in boarding schools develop consuming intellectual passions. They share their favorite writers and painters. They design experiments together. They talk about religion, politics and ethics, and join together to respond to what they see as injustice in the world.

Most of all, they share the great fun and joys of just being a part of each other's lives. And most of them, at least in our experience, will be friends for life. The social capital girls gain in boarding school, their experience in making friends and having friends, and the capacity they gain for empathy, compassion, and loyalty are just as critical as the academic skills they acquire. Someday they may forget the rules for conjugating Latin verbs, or the details of photosynthesis, or the dates of the Boxer Rebellion, but friendships forged in boarding school are forever.